Pop Rocks

I watched this not-so-memorable ABC family channel movie tonight, I got nothing to say about the movie itself, but I made me think about my life. You can call it mid-life crises, I will not be offended.

No, it has not been 20 years yet since I was young, but it is about 15 -- a long period enough to reflect.

Many things that have happened back then shaped my life for a long time thereafter.

First of all, I should say that I think I was raised properly when I was a small child. I was educated in a lot of subjects and I believe I had an upper hand hand over most of my peers. I knew etiquette from my father, I learned a lot of extracurricular things from my mother, I also was trained to take care of the house, to cook and to clean. That was all good.

Unfortunately, past certain important age, my mother got sicker and sicker, and eventually she died when I was about eleven. My father wasn't a model of behavior with heavy alcoholism, constant parties and God knows what else. Eventually he left for USA and I haven't heard much from him for next seven years. I was passed from hands to hands like unwanted orphan that I was.

My final year of grammar school was memorable because I participated in incredible amounts of physical activities. Shotokan Karate, under European bronze Kata medalist Jozef Raczka was the most intense training I ever undergone, and that includes US Marines. I was also a sprinter and together with my friends we won the school relay record, the local state gold and the region bronze medal. It was big time. My name may still be displayed on the school board.

In high school I was on my own, no supervision whatsoever. I must say I did get some education, my school was good. I remember those years as the best time of my life. Parties, trips (both tourist and alcoholic type), dating. Dating and sex were the meaning of life back then.

I think that because I did not have family, I always wanted to find that missing feeling in my girlfriends. It does not take a psychologist to figure out that few girls were up to this close of a relationship. A lot of conflict arose.

Because the only way of solving conflict, in my father's house, was by yelling, or violence, I raised hell, and the hell I lived until long, long after I grew up. I am so sorry now to all people I hurt back then. I hurt most wonderful people, due to my character flaws.

I also notice now that I have a complete lack of family-occasion planning skills. I have never participated in any; I was not invited to weddings, baptisms, etc. I am terrified on the thought that my wife wants to have one for our daughter's first birthday. That would be the first family get-together I ever hosted, I am 31!

So at this age, to summarize, I have got a mix bag of feelings: Physically I feel stronger than ever, not as fast, but I would love to participate and sponsor an athletic track-and-field club same day. Also, I feel very unattractive, that is comparing to my young years when I was outright cute and lovable. I scare most of the people at the first sight now. I feel much smarter, even comparing to last year. I think am wiser, I keep my mouth shut much more than ever before. I don't feel accomplished; often I am even depressed about my failures. To outside world mostly I present an image of hubris, but internally I am very humble.

In last 15 years I lived an interesting life: Marines, Japan, met most wonderful people that I will never forget, University of Maryland, Janice, Tom, Ito-san. I have been on the bottom (as a security doorman and as avid SCUBA driver) and on the top (as a director and as mountain climber and skier). I have been in a lot of places, mostly alone. I learned some Zen and concept of Wabi-Sabi.

Now I have a very good and loving wife, and incredibly beautiful daughter. I am not sure what I will be doing even a month from now as I just interviewed with Capps Digital to restart my computer engineering career. This uncertainty is OK, I study hard and I know that given a chance I will do fine again. I lived a long and fulfilling life until now and I am happy and found internal peace.